single.ish

finally dropped a dude all wrong for me after seven years of toxicity. I’ll spare you the details. I’ve been single ever since.

that was over two and a half years ago.

I was what you call a long-term serial girlfriend; jumping from one long-term relationship to the next, with barely a week’s break in between. two year relationship to five to another five to one more five concluding with that last one… the seven year bitch.

it took me awhile to realize I was sincerely frightened to be alone.

more so, frightened of reckoning with myself. my self.

and for the first year as a newly single person for the first time in my adult life, I didn’t really allow myself to feel anything.

I just ate away my feelings with pizza, cocktails and cocks; the latter good for me, tho. not gonna lie. a girl needs to enjoy her freedom, too, after all.

however, not only did I gain weight (from the cocktails, not the cocks), I grew bitter. my deeply seethed anger I had initially felt towards my ex took a good year to absorb into feelings of self-loathing for allowing myself to stay in a pointless relationship for as long as I had.

after year one, I was just angry.

at myself.

I had become someone I didn’t want to be.

I hated me.

but… a turning point happened.

in year two, the anger. the self-loathing. the feeling sorry for myself. started to evolve into something else…

I believe that’s what they call the “I’m bored out of my fucking mind and need to get up off my ass and do something about it before I die” phase. also possibly referred to as a female mid-life crisis.

so, I decided to join a gym. for the first time in over a decade.

and… I actually stuck with it. for the first time in my life.

the endorphins released regularly from actually moving and bringing in much more oxygen into my bloodstream started giving me more energy and less feeling sorry for myself.

I started seeing physical results.

well… a little. I do love pasta and cookies.

but results, nonetheless.

then it happened.

you know what happened.

it happened to you, too.

all of us.

the virus.

my gym closed its doors. and with that, the rest of the world.

I was left to my own devices.

and thankfully, I have plenty of those. devices.

thank science for WiFi… for who knew there were THAT many exercise videos on the YouTube.

so, I was able to continue on my path of physical betterment which has also helped me on my path to internal betterment. it’s true what they say; you can’t have one without the other. it really is all or nothing.

not only do I look healthier, the anger subsided.

the depression, too.

well… for the most part. that kind of picked up again since the shit hit the fan this past March. but I’ll save that brain dropping for another time.

this is the first time in my adult life I’ve been single.

truly single.

and this is the first time in my life I’m actually completely okay with it.

I’m no longer frightened.

I’m no longer worried of being alone.

I’m no longer in a state of anger.

the physical betterment helped me tune into my mental health. it made me realize, we are only here for but a glimpse of a fraction of a moment in time. so… don’t fucking waste it on ill thoughts.

above all else, don’t fucking waste it on ill thoughts of your own being.

I’m no longer single.

I’ve got myself.